Finding Love in the Church When You’re Gay, Christian, and Celibate

In this post and others, I’m attempting to build a case for changing the culture of the church, because much of our current atmosphere makes celibacy feel like a death sentence. If we ever hope to achieve a biblical vision of community, this absolutely needs to change. 

 

Celibate gay and lesbian Christians need actual, authentic, love in Christian community.

Churches that seek to be faithful to the traditional sexual ethic face a tough reality. For better or worse, most people find love through marriage. It’s not the way things ought to be, but it’s the way things are. And if that’s the way things are, we’ve got a problem. Just how exactly are gay Christians supposed to experience love if they can’t get married to the people they love?

Christian community must provide a viable path for expressing love outside of marriage. Without it, we’re just as “anti-love” as all the caricatures portray. Unfortunately, despite everything the Bible has to say about love, evangelical theology remains woefully inadequate on the topic.

This means that love outside of marriage is difficult if not close to impossible for people to find, carrying huge ramifications for celibate gay Christians.

So it’s time to change. more “Finding Love in the Church When You’re Gay, Christian, and Celibate”

Just Because You’re Celibate Doesn’t Make You Single

I’m digging a little deeper into the discussion of celibacy here, focusing on the question of love and intimacy in a celibate person’s life. I’ve found that intimacy is one of the biggest impasses that many people have when it comes to being celibate, but it doesn’t need to be. Hopefully this post begins to address that concern. Please comment or send me a private e-mail through the contact page — I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! And as always, please subscribe to follow future posts!

Celibate gay people can have intimate relationships. Celibacy is not the same as singleness.

When you’re a single, Christian woman committed to a traditional sexual ethic, sooner or later you reach an impasse: either get hitched to a guy or be single and lonely for the rest of your life. The predicament is hard enough when you’re straight. But as a lesbian, I found my situation to be far worse. I saw myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I couldn’t see any way out.

I couldn’t imagine marrying a guy. Just thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. But neither could I imagine being single. I couldn’t imagine lacking the relational intimacy that comes from sharing a life with somebody else. And while I’d read plenty of Christian articles on the blessings and benefits of singleness, I saw them as little more than lackluster appeasement. A half-hearted attempt to make single people satisfied with a way of life that isn’t satisfying at all.

I had bought into the modern hierarchy of relationships, with marriage sitting at the top. Unless I got married, I could never experience the greatest expression of love between people. I could be miserably married or miserably alone. A catch-22. And there was nothing I could do about it. Or so I thought. 

Fortunately, God’s vision for human flourishing looks very different. more “Just Because You’re Celibate Doesn’t Make You Single”

LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella

This post is the 6th in a 7-part series called “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted?” Each post covers a reason to use the words “gay” and “lesbian” as a Christian. On Friday, we’ll conclude the series by addressing a few lingering questions that still remain. So if you have a question, please shout it out! Either in the comments or through my contact page. I look forward to hearing from you!

To check out other posts in the series:

  1. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police
  2. Christianese Like Same-Sex-Attracted Pushes Away the LGBT Community
  3. Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’ 
  4. Why Gay and Lesbian Identities Don’t Undermine Identity in Christ
  5. Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians
  6. LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella
  7. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Answering Some Lingering Questions

Or to read the full article:

Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am a celibate lesbian and fully committed to a traditional sexual ethic as outlined by Scripture. If you haven’t read my About page or previous posts, this could get lost in the conversation. I want to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, so hopefully this information is clear!

LGBT words like gay, lesbian, and bisexual and more precise than same-sex-attracted for the Christian.

Seeking Clarity on Sexuality but Getting Confused

One smaller but influential reason why some Christians prefer to use “same-sex-attracted” over “gay” comes down to accuracy. They believe that “same-sex-attracted” fits them better and avoids misunderstanding.

And I get where they’re coming from. Accuracy is important when it comes to language. You definitely shouldn’t call yourself gay if you’re not gay! But on the other hand, if “gay” doesn’t fit your experience, “same-sex-attracted” is unlikely to do any better.

For example, when I ask a person for their ethnic background, I’m usually asking for more than just “I’m a minority,” or “I’m a non-minority.” I want to actually learn something, something that helps me understand them. Something like, “I’m Hispanic,” or, “I’m Polish on my dad’s side.” I’m asking for something specific.  

And it’s the same thing when it comes to sexuality. I want to know more than just “I’m heterosexual,” or, “I’m non-heterosexual.” And “same-sex-attracted” doesn’t do that. It’s a catchall term for a vast array of non-heterosexual experiences that are tremendously different from each other and require tremendously different responses. more “LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella”

Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians

This post on Christian identity is the 5th in a 7-part series called “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted?” Each post covers a reason to use the words “gay” and “lesbian” as a Christian. This Wednesday, we’ll examine a few problems of practicality when it comes to using the term “same-sex-attracted.” On Friday, we’ll conclude the series by addressing any lingering questions that still remain. So if you have a question, and it hasn’t been addressed yet, please shout it out!

To check out other posts in the series:

  1. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police
  2. Christianese Like Same-Sex-Attracted Pushes Away the LGBT Community
  3. Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’ 
  4. Why Gay and Lesbian Identities Don’t Undermine Identity in Christ
  5. Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians
  6. LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella
  7. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Answering Some Lingering Questions

Or to read the full article:

Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am a celibate lesbian and fully committed to a traditional sexual ethic as outlined by Scripture. If you haven’t read my About page or previous posts, this could get lost in the conversation. I want to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, so hopefully this information is clear!

UPDATE 4/23/2018:  As this series has been getting read by more people, I’ve realized that there is an important background post on Christian identity that I wrote earlier on. If the topic of identity interests you, check this post out in order to get a fuller picture of where I’m coming from:

 

Homosexuals Christians are called to identify with gays and lesbians.

 

Identifying With People And Fulfilling the Great Commission

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, and being born in the likeness of men.” – Phil. 2:5-8

Learning the language and ways of the people you’re trying to reach is one of the most fundamental laws of missionary work. Ignore this law, and you might find yourself etched into the margins of The Poisonwood Bible one day. But follow it, and you’ll be joining a 2,000-year-long history of imitating the example of Christ.

Christ remains the single greatest missionary of all time, our ultimate example of delivering God’s truth to the world. He did it by giving up his divine power and becoming like one of us. By speaking our language and using our words. By choosing to identify with a broken race. With you and with me.

And he calls the Christian to do the same. He calls us to identify with everyday people using their everyday language. Everyday people like gays and lesbians. more “Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians”

Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’

This is the third post in a 7-part series called “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted?” I’ll be publishing every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday over the next two weeks, and each post will cover a new reason to use the words “gay” and “lesbian” as a Christian. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I love having dialogue and feedback!

To check out other posts in the series:

  1. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police
  2. Christianese Like Same-Sex-Attracted Pushes Away the LGBT Community
  3. Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’ 
  4. Why Gay and Lesbian Identities Don’t Undermine Identity in Christ
  5. Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians
  6. LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella
  7. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Answering Some Lingering Questions

Or to read the full article:

Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am a celibate lesbian and fully committed to a traditional sexual ethic as outlined by Scripture. If you haven’t read my About page or previous posts, this could get lost in the conversation. I want to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, so hopefully this information is clear!

Words like Gay and Lesbian Not Any Less or More Holy Than Same-Sex-Attracted

 

Korean’s despise Donald Trump. And I mean really, really despise him. (Having lived in South Korea for a year, I can reliably confirm their disdain with some level of accuracy.)

Knowing this about the country, let’s imagine that you visit South Korea and go out to dinner with a group of locals. Everyone thinks you’re Canadian, but you’re not. You’re American. You awkwardly find a way to clarify your nationality, but when they realize their mistake, things get weird. The first thing that crosses their minds is, “Hmph…voted for Trump.” They smile stiffly, finish their meal, and politely say goodbye.

Now, whether or not you voted for Trump is completely irrelevant. The point is: Would you appreciate being judged like that? Based on nothing more than your nationality? Or would you rather they thought something nice? Maybe something like, “An American! Must be friendly!”

I can’t speak for everyone, but I generally prefer when people assume nice things about me. Thankfully, Koreans are usually good at that. But the same can’t always be said about Christians, especially when it comes to the LGBT+ community. more “Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’”

Christianese Like “Same-Sex-Attracted” Pushes Away the LGBT Community

This post on Christianese is the 2nd of a 7-part series called “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted?” I’ll be publishing every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday over the next two weeks, and each post will cover a new reason to use the words “gay” and “lesbian” as a Christian. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I love having dialogue and feedback!

To check out other posts in the series:

  1. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police
  2. Christianese Like Same-Sex-Attracted Pushes Away the LGBT Community
  3. Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’ 
  4. Why Gay and Lesbian Identities Don’t Undermine Identity in Christ
  5. Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians
  6. LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella
  7. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Answering Some Lingering Questions

Or to read the full article:

Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am a celibate lesbian and fully committed to a traditional sexual ethic as outlined by Scripture. If you haven’t read my About page or previous posts, this could get lost in the conversation. I want to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, so hopefully this information is clear!

Same-sex-attracted is Christianese. Christians should use the word gay.

 

Imagine you’re with a group of acquaintances. You’re getting along just fine, when suddenly the person next to you says something about celloflake. You’ve never heard of celloflake, but you decide to nod for the sake of pleasantry.

However, it appears that everyone else in the group knows exactly what celloflake means. And to your dismay, the conversation continues, flowing into something about nitrogen kickoffs, flanges, and DPUs. It doesn’t take long for you to realize that you don’t belong, and you graciously excuse yourself, hoping to find a better crowd.

The Power of Language

If you’re placed in a situation with unfamiliar vocabulary, you’re bound to feel uncomfortable. Or you might even find yourself in a situation where you do understand the words — it’s just that the language happens to be straight out of a Jane Austen novel, and you don’t talk like that. Sure, maybe you’d be friendly and try to connect. But it would be difficult.

Trust me, there’s nothing like a language barrier to make relationships a challenge. I’ve lived in South Korea for a year, and I know. Without language, we can’t understand or connect with people. And even with a shared language, relating is difficult when you don’t have the same dialect, vocabulary, or even accent. more “Christianese Like “Same-Sex-Attracted” Pushes Away the LGBT Community”

Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police

This is the first post in a 7-part series called “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted?”

To be honest, it didn’t begin as a series. In fact, it began as something of a “listicle” that I thought would be short and sweet. But as I began writing, I soon realized that I was trying to pack way more content than would fit into a manageable piece. So I’ve spread things out over the next two weeks instead. I’ll be publishing every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and each post will cover a new reason to use the words “gay” and “lesbian” as a Christian. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I love having dialogue and feedback!

To check out other posts in this series:

  1. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police
  2. Christianese Like Same-Sex-Attracted Pushes Away the LGBT Community
  3. Gay Doesn’t Mean ‘Sin’ And Neither Does Same-Sex-Attracted Mean ‘Holy’ 
  4. Why Gay and Lesbian Identities Don’t Undermine Identity in Christ
  5. Why Homosexual Christians Are Called To Identify With Gays And Lesbians
  6. LGBT Words Are More Precise than the ‘Same-Sex-Attracted’ Umbrella
  7. Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Answering Some Lingering Questions

Or to read the full article:

Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am a celibate lesbian and fully committed to a traditional sexual ethic as outlined by Scripture. If you haven’t read my About page or previous posts, this could get lost in the conversation. I want to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, so hopefully this information is clear!

Should LGBT Christians be allowed to use words like "gay" and "lesbian"? Or should they stick to same-sex-attracted?

 

Here it comes. It always does.

I finish coming out, establish that I’m celibate, and reiterate that I uphold the traditionally biblical understanding of marriage. I cross every “t” and dot every last “i” — and then they ask. They always ask.

“Why choose to identify as gay?”

I look at them warily, wondering if their question comes out of genuine curiosity or out of a desire to “set right” the one flaw in my thinking. When I begin my response, I hardly communicate a fraction of my thoughts before we get lost in the crossfire of counter-arguments for all the reasons why “gay” and “lesbian” are unacceptable terms for the Christian.

I usually give up. I say something to the effect of, “Let’s agree to disagree,” and move on. But the expression on their face betrays… what? Disappointment? Or is it frustration? Frustration that I started the conversation by coming out as a lesbian and ended the conversation by remaining a lesbian. Yes, a lesbian. I don’t primarily call myself a “same-sex-attracted Christian.” more “Gay or Same-Sex-Attracted? Navigating the LGBT Language Police”

When Words Like “Gay” and “Lesbian” Mean “Bad”

There’s so many ways that this post could be misinterpreted that I almost wish I could put a disclaimer after each section. C’est la vie!

In short, I’m suggesting that the church’s synonymous association of gay with “bad” is more harmful than anything else. Queer sexuality, in particular, needs understanding and not denial. I’m definitely not trying to suggest some sort of post-modern, pop philosophy of embracing yourself, regardless of sin. Instead, I’m trying to say that the church’s insistence on associating queer sexuality with sin is blinding us to God’s purpose in it. That was certainly my own experience, which I share in the story below and hope to unpack in the coming weeks.

Gay and Lesbian Sexualities Are Good, Christian

“That’s gay.”

My brother sounded sarcastic. I was barely old enough to be in pre-school and had never heard the word “gay” in my life.

“What’s ‘gay’?” I asked, but a grown-up in the room quickly hushed us, mumbling something about it being “bad.” My curiosity was piqued, but I didn’t press any further. “Gay” meant “bad.” I catalogued the definition in my brain, and for years, that’s all the word ever meant. more “When Words Like “Gay” and “Lesbian” Mean “Bad””